Everyone out of the Theater!...Umm I Mean Water

PIRANHA 3D ( R )

BY M.J. GREENE

Premise

After a sudden underwater tremor sets free scores of the prehistoric man-eating fish, an unlikely group of strangers must band together to stop themselves from becoming fish food for the areas new razor-toothed residents. The film stars Jessica Szohr (Gossip Girl), Steven R. McQueen (The Vampire Diaries), Elisabeth Shue, Jerry OConnell, Ving Rhames, Adam Scott, Richard Dreyfuss, Christopher Lloyd, and Kelly Brook.

After viewing a special screening for "Piranha 3D", I took it upon myself to look up the ecology of piranhas and - just as I suspected- Piranhas, the carnivorous creatures that they are, CAN LIVE MILLIONS OF YEARS IN AN UNDERWATER CAVE, PRODUCING LEGIONS OF OFFSPRING, WITHOUT A SUSTAINABLE FOOD SOURCE OR CANNABILIZING EACH OTHER TO EXTINCTION! 

Hey, at least, this is what director Alexandre Aja (The Hills Have Eyes) wants you to believe. Now don't get me wrong, I happen to love movies that smell of camp and crap - especially, horror movies. I didn't watch "VAN HELSING"  for its performances ( even though I wasn't aware it featured Frankenstein's monster hamming scriptures from the book of Lamentations), so why start now. With a title like "Piranha 3D", I only looked forward to three things: 1) Bloody, Bloody, Gore 2) T's&A's and 3) Ving Rhames... Using a boat propeller to kill piranhas then turning it on the audience. That's it!
Unfortunately, I received that and more.

"Piranha 3D" tries to embrace exploitation and camp, but fails in that regard due to poor direction  (and the film thinking that it's cooler than what it is). The movie, which takes place in a sleepy town named "Lake Victoria", begins with an inside joke. A fisherman and apparent shark survivor (Richard Dreyfuss, 35 years removed from Jaws with a phone in his pocket) drinking away his troubles, when he witnesses an earthquake. Subsequently, this earthquake creates a rift in the bottom of the lake and out come the piranhas - who procedd to tear Mr Holland a new opus. This pretty much sets the tone for the movie. After the first death scene, it feels like 40 minutes before we witness another. 


Elisabeth Shue plays Sheriff Julie Foster, who is getting her department prepared for incoming college students who will be dumping money in the town's other wise lifeless economy for spring break. Her chief Deputy, played by Ving Rhames, (who looks like he swallowed his horse from "Rosewood" Booker T) is the department's Bad-ass with a permanent mug. Her son is an unpopular nerd named Jake, who, by the way, is so mature that he pays his little brother and sister sixty dollars to watch themselves while he goes and meets up with porn director Derrick (O'Connell) (in order to show him the hot spots around the island to shoot his "wild wild girls" episodes.) For some reason Jake's high school love ends up on the boat with Derrick and a couple of models who in real life would be way too old to be doing videos like this instead of porn. Skipping to the parts of peril... The Sheriff finds the dead body of the fisherman, calls in - you guessed it - Marine Biologists(???)   Anyway, they go looking for the rift, while the Sheriff's little kids end up deserted on a island, and so on. 


The death scenes are make even less sense than the plot:  (Spoiler Alert!) The piranhas finally get to the irritating, punk-ass college kids by somehow tearing them in half without eating through bone; A girl's hair gets caught in a propeller pulling her face off in the process; legs are devoured to the bone; "Hostel" director Eli Roth gets his head smashed by a boat for no apparent reason; and a piranha decides to eat a floating penis.... And proceeds to turn to the audience, knowing we're looking at it through cheap, plastic 3D glasses, and spit it out towards the theater. Not to be outdone, Christopher LLoyd chews up more scenes in 10 minutes, than the piranhas do throughout the whole movie. There are about a hundred things that I can mention about "Piranha 3D" that made the movie worse than what it actually was...and those are the actual piranhas! 

Fatal Frame - "Death at a Funeral" bites...the dust.

Okay, I tried to give this movie a decent, if not good review.  I really tried!  I even forced J.G. to watch it with me - knowing that he walked out of it in the theaters.  I mean, a cast with Chris Rock, Martin Lawrence, Kevin Hart, Danny Glover, Zoe Saldana, etc.?  God, help me, I really tried.  But, alas, I could not.

"Death at a Funeral" a remake of the 2007 British movie, was, for me, one of the biggest disappointing movies of this year.  It's about a son (Rock), who has to preside over the funeral of his father, while simultaneously trying to step out of the shadow of his famous brother (Lawrence) and deal with the many unbelievable mishaps that happen before, during, and at the conclusion of these services.  I can't go into more detail about the plot, because, well, I wasn't really paying attention.  The movie was so bland and unfunny, I kept forgetting I was watching it.  I cleaned up; logged onto Facebook; even got a head start on my 2010 taxes - all while trying to force myself to sit through the entire 92 minutes it took for this train-wreck to end.  The only time I became genuinely interested in this movie, was to figure out how and why Regina Hall's skin kept getting lighter in every scene.

So, since I can't say much about the storyline, let me spend the rest of this review talking about the actors.  Hmmmm...geewhiz...where should I start?  Well, Loretta Devine is Loretta Devine is...Loretta Devine.  No surprises here.  She plays the same consistently likeable character in every movie, and she was the only one that didn't disappoint me.  Chris Rock did the least amount of yelling that I've seen him do in any movie, but, strangely enough, it was a little creepy.  He was almost too subdued for himself. 

Martin Lawrence acted as if he was stuck in the 90's.  The same facial expressions.  The same dated jokes.  He reminded me of his TV character so much, I half expected him to refer to himself as "Ol' Marty-Mar".
James Marsden (Cyclops from the X-Men movies) spends half of the movie high off of acid that he and everyone else mistakes for Valium.  A third of that time, he embarrassingly spends naked on the roof - his legs and thighs so hairy, he looks like a wild-eyed satyr (that drunk and horny man-goat thingy from Greek mythology).  Tracy Morgan plays the same, lovable dummy he plays in all his movies (save for the varying degrees of mental retardation.)  It's a wonder why they listen to him when, after hog-tying the secret, dwarf, gay-lover of the deceased father (yes, it comes to that), he suggests that they force-feed him the "Valium" that he found in a bottle outside.   (Off-The-Cuff-Rant:  Why does almost everyone in this movie mistake this bottle of acid for Valium.   Did the label on the bottle say "Valium"? Seriously, I'm asking because, I didn't care enough to rewind.  Even if it did, who gives prescription Valium from some unknown person to another person for any reason that doesn't involve homicide?  Okay, I'm done.)   Everyone else is just bad and not at all worth mentioning. 

With this much talent involved, I don't know how "Death at a Funeral" 2010 happened the way it did.  The only person I feel sorry for is not Danny Glover (he should know better), but Ron Glass (From TV's "Barney Miller and "Amen")  I know somewhere in director Neil Labute's coercion of Ron to act in this movie, were the words "You know, you're not getting any younger..."
In the end, the only purpose this movie served was to make me ask myself the question "Was Luke Wilson ever funny???"

"Death at a Funeral" is more than just unentertaining.  It's unforgettable.  And with a cast this talented and this funny, that makes this tragedy - almost - unforgivable.

Wanna See Topless Chicks in Their Underwear?

Then this movie is for you, because that's all this movie contains. Just chicks tied up in a "crucified" position. Plot? What plot? There is no plot! All you get is some religious symbolism BS, and some quasi-satanic dialogue spewed from a guy wearing a skull mask, with an upside down cross on it. If you have the fortitude to sit through this movie in it's entirety then 1) You are an objective movie-watcher, willing to give ANYTHING a chance, or 2) You were somehow involved in this so-called project. Now, there's nothing to say you can't make a good movie on a shoe-string budget, but it's painfully obvious from the first 30 seconds that no effort whatsoever was put into this movie. This movie has the worst, stilted acting I've ever had the misfortune of witnessing. So, unless you're desperate to see topless, semi-attractive chicks in bondage (rent a porno for God's sake!), avoid this movie at all costs. Or, just take LSD, and watch this with a bunch of friends. Who knows, you just might understand this movie.

One Word: Overkill

Here’s an idea: what if the top action stars of the 80s were all in one movie and you surround them with the likes of Jason Statham, Jet Li, and Terry Crews? You get “The Expendables.” Stallone teams up with a myriad of action stars, and with their collective box-office-biceps deflating, he creates the most over-the-top, mindless action movie in recent years.  Not since 2008’s “Rambo” have we seen bullets with the ability to make heads explode. 

The plot of “The Expendables” is as such: a group of grizzled, joking mercenaries are hired to rid an island of it’s dictator.  Admittedly, not the most original premise, but it allows actor-director Sylvester Stallone to do what he does best, which is kill.  One thing a good an action movie needs is catchy names, and this movie does not disappoint.  Stallone plays Barney Ross, along with him are Jason Statham as Lee Christmas, Jet Li as Ying Yang, Dolph Lundgren as Gunner Jensen, and Randy Couture & Terry Crews as the double entendre named Toll Road and Hale Caesar.  Plus “Stone Cold” Steve Austin shows up as a henchmen named Paine.  Those names are up there with the likes of “John Matrix” and, well “John Rambo.”

Barney and his crew are mercenaries, but act more like a biker gang.  They hang out at Mickey Rourke’s bar (belonging to his character, not the actor) to throw darts, and shoot some pool in between missions.  You don’t know much about how they all came together, but that’s irrelevant: they kick ass.  Barney, their leader, meets up with a mysterious man in a church to hear an offer for a job.  This man names himself “Mr. Church,” and is played by Bruce Willis.  This is the heavily advertised scene between Stallone, Willis, and Schwarzenegger, and it’s exactly what you would expect it to be.  They trade jabs, and always try to one-up each other.  The scene ends with an allusion to Schwarzenegger’s real-life.  You would have hoped that Willis and Schwarzenegger had more to do, but it was good while it lasted.  Maybe their characters will pop up in a possible sequel.  Barney accepts the job to take down this island dictator, and his benefactor, played with certain sliminess by Eric Roberts.

“The Expendables” handles the action scenes fairly well.  The impact of bullets and knives are emphasized for maximum effect.  There are also a couple of good, well-placed scenes, including ones involving a seaplane, and a car chase with a vintage pick-up truck.  The only thing that was lacking was the fight scenes.  You’d expect a movie with Jason Statham and Jet Li to showcase their respective talents.  Statham beats up a group of men playing pickup basketball, and we’re teased with a fight scene between Jet Li and Dolph Lundgren, but that’s about it.  Stallone himself also looks awkward whenever he has to run, but then again the guy is 64-years-old.  However, from then on it’s about guns and knives.  One particular sequence in which Terry Crew’s character, Hale Caesar, uses an automatic shotgun to decimate his enemies stands out among the rest.  Before, he muses about how difficult it would be for a man to remain calm when hearing the sound of that gun.  How right he was.  I would like to say this movie stays way from CGI, or what CGI it does use is seamlessly integrated, but that isn’t the case.  In a couple of shots during the end, the CGI is painfully obvious (pun intended).  Also, for a movie called “The Expendables,” it’s heroes are awfully resilient.

With “Rambo” and now “The Expendables,” Stallone proves himself to be a competent action director, although he tends to film his actors too close.  If a mindless action movie was a sandwich, I would order it: “light on the plot, heavy on the bullets, with a side of Mickey Rourke,” and the guy taking my order would be like: “Oh, you want The Expendables?”

Scott Pilgrim saves the summer - Review of "Scott Pilgrim vs The World"

Going into this movie, I admittedly had conflicting expectations.  The professional adult in me knows how disastrous these types of movie adaptations can be and expected the worst.  The former (and, apparently current - according to my friends) comic book/video game nerd in me was eagerly anticipating a movie, broadly entertaining enough to redeem the likes of "Max Payne", "Ghost Rider", and (shudder) "Double Dragon", and prove to the world that indeed, it is hip to be square. My inner cb/vg nerd was vindicated through Edgar Wright's fast-paced, funny, and innovative movie, "Scott Pilgrim vs. The World".  Not the least bit familiar with the Bryan Lee O'Neil graphic novel of the same name (I still don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing), this movie has definitely sparked my interest.  

Michael Cera pulls off Scott Pilgrim as a passive-aggressive, reluctant ladies man.  Scott Pilgrim, the wimpy, slacker, lead bassist in a unknown garage band, has found  love in his cold, snowy  hometown of  Toronto, Canada.  Unfortunately, the heart of this mysteriously strange new girlfriend, Ramona Flowers (played by Mary Elizabeth Winstead) comes at steep price - battles, to the death, with all of her seven evil exes.  On top of all that, he has to deal with other 22 year old normal life issues like gossipy frenemys, stage fright, coordinating apartment time with his socially-busy gay roommate (hilariously played by Kieran Culkin - who, incidentally, looks like a "Surrogate" version of Matt LeBlanc), getting over the heartbreak from his famous old girlfriend, and how to dump his hyper, but cute new girlfriend (Ellen Wong) for his "new, new" girlfriend (Winstead).

The visuals are awesome, the characters are witty and likeable, the soundtrack is amazing, and all of the nostalgic references to 80's-90's video games and cartoons (The band is named the "Sex Bob-ombs" and their first song is called "Launchpad McQuack") made the inner cb/vg nerd in me scream with dorky delight.  The lines between reality and fantasy are blurred in this movie, so not everything is going to make sense (kind of like a video game), but if you don't spend your time analyzing every inconsistency and go with the flow, you will undoubtedly enjoy the ride. 

This move rates # 3 in my list of best movies of the year, so far (right after "Inception" and "Toy Story 3".  It definitely made up for a fairly bland summer of movies.  In the main event of "Scott Pilgrim vs The World", Scott Pilgrim saves the summer, and the winner is - everyone.

Review of "Undefeatable" (Is that even a word?)

   This review is of the 1993 value-meal budget movie from director Godfrey Ho, who has brought the B-Z movie world many gems, such as: "Kickboxer King", "Kickboxer from Hell", "Little Kickboxer", and "Thunder Ninja Kids: The Hunt for the Devil Boxer". It's about a woman, who goes on a quest to find and kill the serial killer, rapist, and martial arts expert (???) who murdered her sister.
   After watching this, at the suggestion of J. G., I can honestly say that this is some of the worst acting and directing I have ever seen in a movie! It also has the worst action scenes, editing, and, possibly, the worst movie quote (What's Stingray have eyeballs in a fish tank for?") in cinema history. It seems as if everyone in the movie is either a student or an instructor in some type of martial arts dojo (even the psychology professor knows martial arts), and they decided to pool their tax refunds together to make the worst Kung Fu movie of 1993.
With that being said, this was one of the funniest movies that I've seen in my life! If you like to watch awful movies and laugh until your stomach hurts, please go get this movie! As long as you're not expecting a good (or even slightly decent) movie that makes any kind of sense, whatsoever, you won't be disappointed.

Welcome!

Welcome to The Greenescreen:  Movie reviews from three movie-buff siblings.  Stay tuned for future postings!